Lock Me Up!, Vol. 2 - Red Flag Netflix Rant of the Week + more Netflix quotes

-"Watch this and you will be glad 4 ATF agents met their maker. Too bad no FBI agents died, pity." ("Waco: The Rules of Engagement")

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-"Steamy? Tabu? Psychological?" ("Eyes Wide Shut")

-"What happened to Steven Seagal? He looked like he had been stuffed and mounted. Acting??" ("Kill Switch")

-"Would be great for a broadway musical." ("Mamma Mia!")

-"Lets be honest, most old films suck. So do most French films. This is one of them." ("Les Vampires")

-"The streaming version of this season is SCREWED UP. No voices, only music and ambient sound. Please fix this!" ("This American Life: Season 2")

-"The only good that came out of this is my girlfriend wants her hair to look like the main characters and I'm ok w/ that."

-"Any movie with fat kids and Ben Stiller sounds like a good movie to me." ("Heavyweights")

Lock Me Up! - Red Flag Netflix Rant of the Week

"When a film this good gets panned so badly, you have to wonder what made the critics sulk. This time, the critics have opened their trench coats to expose their hypocrisies! Critics, like paparazzi, are parasites: few of them have ever created anything; instead, they live off the inspiration of others. What novel, what movie, what play has not been torn apart by at least some critics? Think of greats like Dickens, Hemingway, Orson Welles, Alfred Hitchcock…Some critic somewhere belittled their visions and their creations. The Hollywood/New York critics and the paparazzi walk hand and hand, so perhaps they feel protective of each other. Suddenly, a film that is well acted, written, and directed, is demonized. Suddenly, in this age of senselessly violent movies that get called "artistic," "bold," etc., a movie in which parasitic photographers get what's coming to them is persecuted for not living up to the old Hayes Code standard of crime not paying and murderers always being brought to justice. This movie is funny, exciting, and satisfying, and there is very little graphic violence. How could it receive 1 or even 0 stars unless the critic is angry about the spotlight being swung in his or her direction? How dare a Hollywood insider, like Mr. Gibson, laughingly throw a little sand in the out of control publicity machine? Hmmm?" ("Paparazzi")

The Highest-Grossing Films I've Never Seen

I was curious about this, so I checked Box Office Mojo to find the highest-grossing films that I've never seen. I only used the domestic list of actual box office receipts, as opposed to the adjusted list, which accounts for the fact that movie tickets today cost about 100 times as much as they did when my parents grew up. The problem is that it doesn't really account for the shifts in technology/economy/society/etc. (e.g., the primacy of theatrical film as an entertainment medium doesn't exist today like it did in the 1930's or 40's). However, this means that the top earners list is dominated by new films ("Monsters and Aliens" barely made a dent in the national consciousness, yet it's one of the top 100 highest-grossing films in American history, based largely on the fact that movies cost $10, and even more for 3-D IMAX). About 90 films have grossed over $200 million domestically, and there are only 6 that I haven't seen, all of them released within the last five years or so:

The Passion of the Christ (12)
Meet the Fockers (37)
Night at the Museum (46)
Rush Hour 2 (67)
National Treasure: Book of Secrets (69)
Alvin and the Chipmunks (75)

There could be a future Dare Daniel poll in there. "Monsters and Aliens" (97) and "Ice Age: The Meltdown" (98) fill out the top 100, followed further down by "What Women Want", "Hitch", "Wolverine", "The Bourne Supremacy", "Home Alone 2", "National Treasure", "Wild Hogs", and "Pursuit of Happyness".

Quote Whores - Netflix Zen Redux

-"I wanted the movie the curious case of Benjamin Butons not the documentary bonus material. Please send me the movie." ("The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: Bonus Material")

-"You CAN'T call yourself a vampire if the sun don't hurt you. Its like if "Blade" and Calvin Klein catalog had kids." ("Twilight")

-"5 stars aint enough, seriously!" ("Hardbodies"/"Hardbodies 2")

-"This movie made me angry, and I still can't figure out why. Even if there was some kind of deep meaning, I was too busy yelling at my computer to notice it." ("Palindromes")

-"I haven't seen it. So I guess I'll rate it a 5, but it looks good! But the review has to be 80 characters so um......................" ("Public Enemies")

-"I am shocked about these reviews. This movie was TERRIBLE. Caviezel had an amazing career until he was blacklisted after Passion." ("Outlander") [Ed.: according to IMDB, Caviezel has appeared in only 7 films and 1 TV series in the 5 years since "Passion of the Christ" was released; the Hollywood blacklist just ain't what it used to be...]

Barnesyard Bites, Vol. 2

-"EVERY LITTLE STEP" (2009 - Dir.: Adam Del Deo/James D. Stern)
Fairly irresistible meta-doc follows the cruel, dehumanizing rehearsal process for the Broadway revival of "A Chorus Line", itself a story of the cruel, dehumanizing rehearsal process. As one aspirant after another performs the same song and dance routines, we start analyzing and comparing each performance, a critical act undercut by hearing the often heartbreaking real-life stories that formed the basis for the show. "Every Little Step" performs the minor miracle of giving heft and significance to a mediocre musical, although I was humming "I Hope I Get It" long after I wanted to.
GRADE: B.

-"STUCK" (2007 - Dir.: Stuart Gordon)
Lowdown, brutally entertaining story of an ambitious young nurse (a surprisingly good Mena Suvari, who also co-produced) who hits a down-on-his-luck schlub (Stephen Rea) with her car, then hides the evidence in her garage and waits for him to die. "Stuck" admirably eschews typical leaden moralizing - Suvari's character never even considers saving Rea, yet she's less a calculating sociopath than a conflicted and irresponsible twenty-something. Of course, it's all tossed out the window in the third act, when "Re-Animator" director Gordon can't help but turn the film into a de rigeur slasher flick. GRADE: B.

Barnesyard Bites, Vol. 1

"VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA" (2008 - Dir.: Woody Allen)
One of the most curiously overpraised films of last year, the insipid, marble-mouthed "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" furthers the deterioration of one of the 3 greatest screenwriters in the history of film. Reading an Allen film has become an exercise in futility, since it's impossible to distinguish the boundary between intentions and ineptitude. Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are the only actors who don't embarrass themselves, and even then just in the scenes where they speak Spanish. Only the feminine scenery (and beautiful Spanish locations) makes this one watchable, even if Scarlett Johannson's callow performance inspires more incredulity than lust. GRADE: C-.

"UP" (2009 - Dir.: Pete Docter)
More strictly a children's film than their last couple of releases, "Up" nonetheless has all of the humor, visual invention, clever storytelling, and well-developed characters associated with Pixar. Unfortunately, the leads - a lonely old man and a fatherless young scout - are loaded with eye-rolling cliches, while the peripheral elements (talking dogs, a mythical bird named Kevin) steal the show. The film's message - following your dreams will turn you into a lonely psychopath - isn't exactly a positive one for the youths. GRADE: B+.

July Dare Daniel Poll

I have eight new candidates for the July Dare Daniel; click on the film to see its IMDB page, then vote for as many movies as you like.

DOUBLE JEOPARDY (1999 - Dir.: Bruce Beresford)

FIREPROOF (2008 - Dir.: Alex Kendrick)

MADEA'S FAMILY REUNION (2006 - Dir.: Tyler Perry)

MUST LOVE DOGS (2005 - Dir.: Gary David Goldberg)

PAPARAZZI (2004 - Dir.: Paul Abascal)

PATCH ADAMS (1998 - Dir.: Tom Shadyac)

PAY IT FORWARD (2000 - Dir.: Mimi Leder)

SEVEN POUNDS (2008 - Dir.: Gabriele Muccino)

Vote early and - if you're Guphy and want to continue perverting the democratic process - often.

CH From Dinuba Zen - Robots vs. Evil Film Critics

"This movie should have been called Transformers: Destruction of the Film Critics. What were film critics expecting from this movie, a feel-good-box-of-tissue movie? I hope this movie becomes the number one movie of 2009. That will tell the film critics that we don't respect them." ("Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen")

Monday Morning Doublie Shot O' Netflix Member Review Zen

"Would not play (watch instantly) on my computer or Samsung unit says not available as a watch instantly. Cannot report in normal manner as it dies not show as even attempted." ("The Ramen Girl"; their rating: 1 star)

"This is supposed to be a instant movie and I got an error message from the server. I wanted to watch it, could you guys fix that? kthxbye" ("The Ramen Girl"; their rating: 4 stars)

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LATER TODAY: Barnesyard Bites Mini-Reviews
TOMORROW: "AMORES PERROS" review
WEDNESDAY: "THE HOTTIE AND THE NOTTIE" review
THURSDAY: Quotes/clips of "AMORES PERROS" and "THE HOTTIE AND THE NOTTIE"
FRIDAY: Happy Birthday, America! You don't look a day over 230!

The Continuing Story of Netflix Member Review Zen

-"Disgusting!! How could you put women down so low! There was no need of so much swearing," ("Step Brothers")

-"Hell yeah I have an opinion about this movie! DO NOT PICK IT! This movie looks like its been done by my son with a hand held camera, really I mean what the hell, I wasted my movie on this thing." ("Jack Squad")

-"I dont know why this movie got bad reviews i havent seen it in 10 years but remember it and thought it wasw good enough to add to my queue...excellent movie believe that" ("The Postman")

-"Its pretty sad that there was no way to deal with depression back then. We;ve come along way baby!" ("Revolutionary Road")

-"This movie is a complete LIBERAL BIAS rewrite of the original story. It is loaded with liberal agenda..." ("Peter and the Wolf")

-"The most convoluted and confusing plot of all the Bond movies, or for that matter any movie. James Bond needs to take some happy pills." ("Quantum of Solace"; their rating: 5 stars)

-"Ive never received it some how the postal service return it with out delervering it to me" ("Lost Treasure of the Grand Canyon"; their rating: 1 star)